Holy Hufflepuff
by cowgirl97
Summary: Alice, Edward, Jacob, Emmett, Rosalie, and Bella are in the woods when they discover an object. They start fighting over who gets it, and next thing they know, they're surrounded by wizards. What happens? Chaos, of course! One phrase: HOLY HUFFLEPUFF!
1. Chapter 1 Not In Kansas Anymore

**A/N Hey, people! This is my first crossover, so be nice! This is a Harry Potter/ Twilight cross over, cuz I thought the two best selling books will probably have the best chance at being hilarious. We shall see what happens! Lol. Alright, this first chapter is gonna involve the Twilight peeps mostly. WARNING: SOME OF THE FIRST FEW CHAPTERS INVOLVE A CRAZY BELLA AND A GIRLY EDWARD.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you might recognize. And I'm **_**not **_**doing this for money (cuz that would be stupid; this thing probably wouldn't sell more than three copies).**

Chapter One- Not in Kansas Anymore

Bella and Edward were walking through the woods. Bella (who was oddly hyper today) was humming a tune that Edward didn't recognize, since he really only listened to classical music.

"Bella, love, what are you humming?" Edward asked.

"Dinosaur by Ke$ha," replied Bella before going back to her humming.

"I've never heard that before. Will you sing some of it?" Edward said, trying to 'dazzle' Bella, and failing miserably.

Apparently, it worked anyways, because she said, "Sure." She cleared her throat before belting out, "D-I-N-O-S-A you are a dinosaur. D-I-N-O-S-A you are a dinosaur. An O-L-D M-A-N, you're just an old man. Hitting on me, what? You need a cat scan! Old man, why are you staring at me? M-"

"That's enough!" Edward said, cutting her off. He knew that she was singing it because it reminded her of him, which made him feel terrible (yet again) about being a vampire.

"Why? Am I a bad singer?" Bella asked, her eyes wide.

"No, it's not that. It's because…because…ugh! Because I'm a dinosaur!" Edward shouted, roaring at the end.

Bella shrank back and wrinkled her nose. "You know, Jacob can do that better."

"Who cares if Jacob can do that better?"

"I do! It's just _another _thing that he's better at than you, Edward."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Jacob fixes cars. The person who fixes cars in your family is _Rosalie. _A _girl._ She should be the one playing piano, and you should be able to fix cars."

"She _does _play piano," Edward mumbled quietly.

"Exactly. _She _does. Not _he. She._"

"It's just one letter's difference," Edward said, too quiet for Bella to hear. Then he said, louder, "What's your point, Bella?"

"Jacob's cooler than you!" Bella concluded, sticking her tongue out at Edward.

"Yes!" a voice shouted, and a few seconds later, Jacob appeared, doing a victory dance around Bella and Edward.

"Why are you here?" Edward asked, slightly annoyed.

"I wasn't spying on you, if that's what you think," Jacob muttered, looking at his feet and kicking at the grass.

"You were spying on us?" Edward shrieked.

"See?" Bella said, throwing her hands in the air. "Shrieked! No boy shrieks. _And _Jacob said he _wasn't _spying on us. Duh, Edward."

Edward stared at Bella as if she had lost her mind, which _might _have been true. He looked over at Jacob, who was staring at Bella with the same expression.

Bella twirled a strand of her hair around her finger and swayed back and forth, smiling to herself. When she noticed the guys staring at her, she stopped and asked, "What?"

Jacob snorted and said, "Wow. She's even dumber than Rosalie."

"I heard that!" Rosalie shouted angrily, appearing at the edge of the trees with Emmett.

"Why are you here?" Edward asked, slightly surprised.

"You asked the same thing when I showed up, but you were annoyed instead of surprised," Jacob noted.

"Yes," Edward said, poking Jacob in the chest. "Exactly!"

"Okay, dude? That looked a little…gay…" Emmett said, dragging Rosalie to where the other three people stood.

Edward ignored him and said, "You never answered my question."

"Emmett wanted to hunt squirrels," Rosalie said flatly.

"Squirrels?" Edward asked.

"YEAH! THEY'RE SO SMALL AND FURRY!" Emmett screamed.

Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head and said, "Emmett, we're right here. You don't have to yell."

Bella giggled and said, "Jacob's furry."

This time everybody stared at her. She walked over to Jacob and patted his head. "Nice doggie!"

"What is _wrong _with her?" Jacob asked.

Suddenly, Alice appeared and gave Bella a sympathetic look. "Bella temporarily lost her mind. I saw it in a vision, but I forgot to warn you."

"How did you forget?" asked Emmett.

"I was distracted by Edward's sparkliness."

"How did she lose her mind?" Edward asked, a little indignantly since they were talking about his sparkles. Those were his sparkles, so therefore they were better than everyone else's. He even gave his sparkles a pep talk to make them especially bright.

"She drank coffee," Alice stated sadly.

"Ooooh!" Everyone said and cringed. Bella and coffee did not work well together. They all turned to her and saw that she was now skipping in circles and following a butterfly that was floating in the air.

"How do we fix her?" Jacob asked.

"I think we should leave her like that," suggested Rosalie.

Emmett rolled his eyes and replied, "Let me try something." He walked over to Bella, placing a hand on her shoulder to keep her from walking. He balled his other hand into a fist and knocked on Bella's head, which made a hollow sound.

Her eyes spun around and she giggled until they stopped. Then she turned to Edward and said, "Eddiekins, why is there a potato on the ground?"

"Eddiekins?" Jacob asked with a smirk.

"It's along story. And what do you mean, love? There's no potato on the ground."

"Yes there is. Look!" Bella pointed to a patch of flowers where an old leather boot was laying on the ground.

"Love, that's a boot, not a potato," Edward chided.

"Whoa! How did we miss that?" Emmett asked.

"We were too distracted by Bella's idiocy," said Alice.

"I though that was normal for Bella," Rosalie muttered.

"Well…" said Jacob, leaning back on his heals. "Can I have it?"

"Why?" Alice asked.

"Because it would be perfect to hit _Eddiekins_ with."

"No way, mutt! I need it because it'll make me look cooler," Edward exclaimed.

"How will an old shoe make you look cooler?"

"Leather's cool, right?" Edward asked, looking around for help. He would never admit it, but the tall werewolf guy scared him.

"Yeah but not _that _kind of leather, Eddiekins," Alice said, poking Edward in the chest (which no one said anything about, because it didn't look weird like when Edward did it). "You'll just look weirder than you are."

"Shut up, you pixie!" Bella screamed. She grabbed the boot and started whacking Alice with it. "Don't be mean to Eddiekins!"

"Ow! Get this thing off me!" Alice screeched.

Rosalie laughed and said, "You called Bella a _thing_."

Bella turned and glared at Rosalie. "Don't be mean to the pixie, you pixie hater!"

"I don't hate pixies; I hate _you_," said Rosalie with a roll of her eyes. She thought that had been _obvious_.

Bella shrieked and made a loud battle cry before jumping on Rosalie's back and hitting her with the boot. "Die, Blondie, die!" Bella shouted.

"She's already dead," Emmett stated.

Jacob elbowed him and said, "Dude! Don't kill the cat fight!"

Emmett shrugged and continued to watch Bella beat up Rosalie.

"Emmett!" Rosalie cried. "Help me!"

Emmett, who didn't want the fighting to stop, thought quickly and said, "Hey Jacob. Didn't you want to do that to Eddiekins?"

"Yeah, so?" asked Jacob, his eyes glued to the fight.

"Soo…didn't Bella steal your idea?" Emmett prodded.

"Yeah! She did! But I can't hit a girl."

"Then hit the next best thing. Eddiekins."

Edward gasped and asked, "Why me?"

To which Emmett replied, "Because you're a girl trapped in a guy's body."

"Man, that is so true!" Jacob shouted. He then walked over to Bella, yanked the boot out of her hand, and started attacking Edward.

Edward shrieked and shouted, "Pixie! Help me!"

"PIXIE?" Alice yelled shrilly. "Why would you call me a pixie?"

"Because Bella did!"

"Bella's brain is broken right now. And I'm about to break yours!" Alice cried before tackling Edward. She and Jacob then proceeded to take turns hitting Edward with the boot.

Bella, who hadn't realized the boot was missing until now, tore a chunk of hair off Rosalie's head and jumped off of her back. "Hey!" Bella yelled. "That's _my _potato!"

She leaped onto Jacob's back, who had current possession of the boot, and began hitting him with Rosalie's hair.

"My hair!" Rosalie shrieked. She started looking around for something to hit Bella with and her eyes rested on Emmett. She grinned wickedly and began marching towards him.

"Whoa, babe, what're you doing?" Emmett asked, putting his hands in front of himself and backing away.

"This!" Rosalie grabbed Emmett's hand and threw him towards the pile of people. He landed on Alice, who angrily bit Emmett's arm.

Rosalie gasped and hurled herself at Alice. "How dare you bite my husband!" she yelled.

Edward (who was underneath everyone) began sobbing, vampire venom leaking from his eyes since he couldn't cry real tears. Jacob started laughing and Bella smacked him on the head. Rosalie was kicking Alice, and Emmett, who had been trying to pull everyone apart, shrugged and pile-drived Edward in the nose. Suddenly, the boot started shaking, so Jacob quickly dropped in on Edward's stomach.

"Ow!" Edward yelled. He then glanced at the vibrating boot and said, "It's…magical."

Bella stared at it in awe and stated, "I wanna touch it."

"Me too," everyone said in unison. They all reached out their index fingers and touched it at the same time. Suddenly, the world shimmered and the ground opened up. They all fell through the hole, all of their fingers stuck to the boot.

"Alice, I hate you!" Bella screeched while gripping Jacob's head with her free hand.

"Why?" asked a sad Alice.

"Because of you, we're all falling into Wonderland!"

Everyone looked at each other for a second, thinking about what would happen if they landed in Wonderland. Bunnies that are late, mad hatters, and the Cheshire cat…

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

They all suddenly landed in a heap on the ground. Bella looked up and gasped. "Holy cow! The plants here look _nothing _like the movie!"

Everyone looked up and saw that they were in a small village. And to their right was a giant castle-like building that towered of everything else with and ominous look.

"Toto," Bella whimpered, gripping Jacob's head harder. "We're not in Kansas anymore."

**Ah, Bella. She's a total space case today. She and coffee are a **_**really **_**bad combination. So bad that the whole thing turned violent! And violence is **_**never **_**the answer. Lol, what's going to happen next? More chaos, duh! And the Potter Gang will show up! Yay!**

**Soo….review?**


	2. Chapter 2 Bella's Button Has Some Tricks

**A/N Hey, sorry it took so long to update! I've just been busy with school and parties and blah blah blah. But I'm back! Phew! Lol so onward with the story.**

**Chapter Two- Bella's Button Has Some Tricks**

Bella stood up and then immediately fell over, screaming, "Ow! My Bella Button!"

"Your…Bella Button?" Emmett asked, confused and slightly scared.

"Yeah. I'm Bella and that's my button," Bella said, forgetting all about her hurting stomach. She looked up at Emmett, wrinkling her eyebrows confusedly and asking, "Don't you have an Emmett Button?"

Emmett stared at her.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and said, "No, Bella. Your…button…is actually called a belly button. That's what everyone calls them."

Bella snorted. "Why?"

"Because your button is located on your belly," said Rosalie. "Duh. What, are you stupid now?"

Alice gasped and said, "I just had a vision. Bella lost her mind and she won't get it back until Tuesday!"

Rosalie groaned and said, "Aww! But that means we have to deal with her stupid-ness for a whole week!"

"I blame you," Edward said, glaring at Jacob.

"It's not _my _problem," Jacob said smugly. "Once we get back to Forks, I'm going to finally let Bella go and move on."

"You can't!" Edward shouted. "Don't leave me to deal with this!"

"Nope. It's too late. I've made my decision," Jacob said, shaking his head back and forth.

"Fine…you can have her!" Edward said.

Jacob grinned and laughed. Edward had fallen right into his trap and had given Bella up without even realizing it.

Edward blinked, read Jacob's thoughts, and gasped. "No! I take it back! She's my crazy human!"

Emmett stared at Bella again.

"Do you work at the grocery?" Bella asked in a high-pitched voice, which eerily reminded Edward of Jessica Stanley.

Emmett blinked and shook his head.

"Then why are you checking me out?" Bella asked him. She threw her head back and laughed, snorting and cackling for five minutes before she realized no one else was laughing.

Jacob sighed and shook his head. "Bella, stealing lines from _The Clique _won't be funny to anyone but you."

Bella blinked several times and asked, "What's _The Clique_?"

"Oh my God, she actually thinks she made that up," Edward said, eyes wide with horror.

Alice shook her head sadly and said, "I warned you."

Jacob laughed. "Too bad she's not a blonde," he snorted.

"Hey!" Bella shrieked. "I'm right here!"

Rosalie yawned and rolled her eyes again. "This is boring. Let's start attacking Eddiekins again."

"Why me?" asked a scared Edward.

"Because I hate you."

"I thought you hated Bella," Emmett said.

"Her too."

"Again! Right here!" Bella shouted. Everyone continued to ignore her, talking about how crazy she was and how annoying she could be.

This wasn't good. Bella was used to attention; several people had taken an interest in her just on her first day in Forks. There was a clan of power-mad vampires after her, and a whole pack of werewolves who wanted her to hang out with them 24/7. Suddenly, Bella got an idea thinking about the pack. Wasn't there a werewolf here that was madly in love with her?

Bella turned to Jacob and surveyed him. He would get her noticed, but the only good reaction she would get would be Eddiekins crying again. There had to something else she could do to become un-invisible. Bella's eyes landed on the small pixie lady, and she instantly got another idea.

Bella jumped at Alice and kissed her full on the mouth. When she pulled away, Alice stared at her with wide eyes. "I can't…believe…I didn't see that coming," Alice whispered.

Edward choked on a sob and fainted. Emmett watched Bella with horror-struck eyes and Rosalie took a few slow steps backwards. Jacob started laughing hysterically, trying to breathe, but obviously failing.

Bella grinned and asked hopefully, "I'm not invisible anymore?"

Emmett shook his head slowly.

Bella jumped up and down, patting her stomach and saying, "Thanks for the idea, Bella Button!"

"She really did lose her mind," stated an awe-struck Rosalie. "She doesn't even realize what she just did."

"Who did what?" Bella asked.

Emmett and Rosalie exchanged a look before giving Bella wide, fake smiles and saying, "Nothing that you need to worry about."

Bella smiled back at them and then looked down at Edward. She kicked his head and laughed when he screamed. Edward began twitching, muttering over and over, "She…kissed…fairy…"

Jacob finally regained control of himself and looked down at Edward. He smirked and asked, "What do we do with Twitchy?"

Emmett shrugged and said, "Ditch him?"

Edward jumped up and screamed in Emmett's face. Emmett wrinkled his nose, pushed Edward away, and waved a hand in front of his nose. "Dude! Your breath smells worse than Jacob."

"What? Hey!" Jacob shouted. He sniffed dramatically and said, "I thought we were friends." He looked at Emmett with sad puppy dog eyes and whimpered.

"Aww!" Emmett smiled and said sheepishly, "Okay. I take it back. We're still friends."

Jacob grinned and winked at the cute author of this story, who then fainted and delayed the writing of this story for 20 minutes.

Edward snorted and said, "And you said _I _was gay."

Emmett growled and punched Edward, knocking him out cold. "Shut up, Twitchy."

Suddenly, Alice let out an ear-splitting scream, having finally processed what happened.

"Oh, hey Tinkerbell," Jacob said. "I forgot you were here."

Alice ignored him and asked Rosalie, "Did Bella kiss me?"

"Yeah, she did," Rosalie said, snorting and flicking Bella on the head.

"Hey!" Bella cried out, clutching her head. "That hurt." She turned to Rosalie and tried giving her a puppy dog look like Jacob had, but Rosalie just laughed and asked if she was constipated.

"Don't worry about it Bells," Jacob said. "The only thing that melts Blondie's cold heart is her Emmy-bear."

Rosalie sniffed and said indignantly, "That's because bear hugs are the _best _hugs."

"But Jakey-wakey makes a great pillow," Bella said.

Emmett laughed and said, "Jakey-wakey."

"Shut up!" Jacob growled.

Alice screamed again, finally realizing that she wasn't dreaming, and fell onto the ground. She curled up in a fetal position and began rocking back and forth.

Before Jacob could say something witty (and before Bella could say something stupid), a voice drifted down the big hill with the scary castle.

"What do you think the Portkey brought back, George?"

"Who's George," Bella asked. "And is Porky his pet pig?"

"Not Porky, Portkey, Bella," Jacob said.

"I don't know, Fred. Probably just some stupid animal," another voice said.

Rosalie snickered and said, "Stupid animal. Jacob. Hah!"

Jacob growled but otherwise ignored her.

Suddenly, two red-haired twin boys appeared on the hill. They grinned upon seeing the crowd of confused Americans and walked faster down the hill. They surveyed the scene in front of them: one boy was passed out on the ground, a pixie-like girl was rocking back and forth, another girl was poking a tall, tan muscular boy, and a blonde girl was holding the hand of a broad-shouldered, grizzly-like boy, who both had wide eyes.

"Well, George, looks like we put them in quite a state," the first red-head said.

"Actually we were like this before we showed up," Jacob said.

"My Bella Button gives me tips about getting noticed," Bella stated, smiling to herself and patting her stomach tenderly.

The twins exchanged a look and burst out laughing. "Come on," they gasped, motioning with their hands for the group to follow them. The pack of people then marched up the hill and towards the giant castle, where a huge surprise was waiting for both the people inside the building and out.

**Sorry if it's not that good. I was a little distracted when I was writing it! But I still hope you liked it. I'd really like to know what your favorite part was!**

**Soo…..review?**


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